Thanksgiving 2004
I stripped the pillows and comforter, sheet and blanket from the hotel bed, drug it outside on the patio that overlooks the ocean and made my bed for the night. I was going to sleep under the stars like I had many times before only this time it would be different, very different.
I laid my tired and still spinning head down on the pillow, breathed in the forceful winds as my eyes, mind and body became entranced, fixated on the earthy sounds of the tides crashing against the jetties.
In the waves of the ocean I questioned my existence, my choices, my burdens, my pains, my joys and my voids.
I wondered if I would ever again touch my daughter the other half of my world. I looked out at the ocean that once fostered all of my hopes and dreams washing away my tears and showing me that there was something bigger, stronger and more compassionate out there and I searched for the answers.
I thought about an email my friend sent me that read, among many things, that
God is our universe, not its rulers and not its creators. The verse echoed in my head and with that I searched some more.
The questions flowed rhythmically into the winds.
How many times had she visited that shore?
Was there a drop of water I could capture that once touched her olive skin?
Was there a breeze that had leftover air from her breath?
I inhaled deeply trying to reconnect with my child, holding in the oceans gift in hopes of answers until I my eyes speckled with tracers of light that reminded me to exhale and breathe. The next inhalation would be taken with a little less intensity and a lot more respect for my mortal being.
One raindrop and then another. The sky began to cry with me. The winds began to rock me. The sounds of crashing waves consoled me and the power of it all inspired me.
My eyes closed squeezing out the tears that had not yet had there turn to fall and I dreamed of a better world, a different time and if nothing else just one more chance. I realized that one more chance with so many life lessons would be cheating and with that thought I fell into a dream filled sleep.
The following day I was blessed with better than an hour of conversation with my daughter as my next generation wailed mercilessly in the background.
I am forever changed. I am forever grateful. I am forever stronger.
Cameron the First
Cameron, I want to hold you. I want to hear your cries.
I want to watch you with your beautiful mother as she learns the power of your pull on her.
I want to see you smile, even if they insist it is gas, it will be our little secret that you are already capable of happiness by virtue of being born to such a strong woman.
I want to see the eyes of your daddy that your mom says are just like yours.
I want to see him hold you, love you, adore you and above all protect you and your mother.
I want you to know even though I have never laid eyes or hands on you that I love you from a place far deeper than either of those expressions could ever go.
I learned that from the birth of your mother.

Pandora

Lessons
Some of my most valuable lessons have been learned from events, chosen and not chosen;
Friends, chosen wisely, picked poorly and drafted into.
Confidants that peppered through my life seeded and unseen.
Therapy with an honest and open individual.
Coaching by an author whom I thought would never give me the time of day.
A special elf that guided me with my new found love for myself.
A family of survivors and the people they have touched.
A beautiful son, so smart, so inquisitive, so full of soul, so giving, understanding and above all 16.
My ex lovers...you all have taught me more than you will ever know.
All of these people have come into my life and changed me for better or worse
And the one thing they all have in common...LESSONS
if I look.

Discover
In my life thus far I've discovered

That the moon and the sun can share the same sky at the same time

That the best of friends have been in low places and continously overcome

That the will to live is not a choice but a chance

That strength and stability build the strongest homes

That we really never have to say goodbye

That "I love you" is less important than the things that you do

That I am and always have been "good enough"

That I am what I love

AND I love what I eat

Thank You Ray Charles for the Hope and Inspiration
People move me in so many ways. Their stories, experiences, disappointments and triumphs drain my eyes and shower my soul. I am left with a lesson-filled residue waiting to be cultivated.

My tears are in celebration of those challenged before us. You give me hope for a better day.

My tears are in celebration of those challenged with us. You give me strength; help me walk with honor and dignity as we face our experiences TOGETHER. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

And last, but not least...My tears are in premature celebration for those yet to be challenged and those not yet introduced to hope. It is my responsibility and my pleasure to pass on the hope I have so generously been given.

The Never Ending Campfire
After a weekend camping I thought I was through for a couple of weeks.
So, here I sit on my bed staring at a Kroger bag with a couple of food items remaining. One of these items was a bag of marsh mellows. My eyes moved around the room and what did I find but a pair of scissors and a lighter. Hmmm
I stab three of the white treats on the semi-opened pair of scissors. Picked up the lighter and lit my candy on fire.
"Mom, what in the hell are you doing?" Manchild says.
I cracked up laughing and told him that I was roasting marsh mellows on my bed.
He fell on the floor laughing and telling me how crazy I am, that I am going to die from eating the fluid in the lighter.
The food was GREAT! So great I repeated the process three times. Yes, for you math people that is nine marsh mellows.
What I found in this little cooking escapade is that I am able to transport myself back to camp and surround myself with the love and acceptance that I felt this weekend with burning little white candies.

For scissors, marsh mellows and a lighter, send 19.95 plus shipping and handling to yours truly.

Introduction

My journey began with the pen and will ultimately end with the pen. This site is a window providing a glimpse into the heart, mind, body and soul of one Chickory Chicky.
May the force be with us all.