Thanksgiving 2004
I stripped the pillows and comforter, sheet and blanket from the hotel bed, drug it outside on the patio that overlooks the ocean and made my bed for the night. I was going to sleep under the stars like I had many times before only this time it would be different, very different.
I laid my tired and still spinning head down on the pillow, breathed in the forceful winds as my eyes, mind and body became entranced, fixated on the earthy sounds of the tides crashing against the jetties.
In the waves of the ocean I questioned my existence, my choices, my burdens, my pains, my joys and my voids.
I wondered if I would ever again touch my daughter the other half of my world. I looked out at the ocean that once fostered all of my hopes and dreams washing away my tears and showing me that there was something bigger, stronger and more compassionate out there and I searched for the answers.
I thought about an email my friend sent me that read, among many things, that
God is our universe, not its rulers and not its creators. The verse echoed in my head and with that I searched some more.
The questions flowed rhythmically into the winds.
How many times had she visited that shore?
Was there a drop of water I could capture that once touched her olive skin?
Was there a breeze that had leftover air from her breath?
I inhaled deeply trying to reconnect with my child, holding in the oceans gift in hopes of answers until I my eyes speckled with tracers of light that reminded me to exhale and breathe. The next inhalation would be taken with a little less intensity and a lot more respect for my mortal being.
One raindrop and then another. The sky began to cry with me. The winds began to rock me. The sounds of crashing waves consoled me and the power of it all inspired me.
My eyes closed squeezing out the tears that had not yet had there turn to fall and I dreamed of a better world, a different time and if nothing else just one more chance. I realized that one more chance with so many life lessons would be cheating and with that thought I fell into a dream filled sleep.
The following day I was blessed with better than an hour of conversation with my daughter as my next generation wailed mercilessly in the background.
I am forever changed. I am forever grateful. I am forever stronger.
Cameron the First
Cameron, I want to hold you. I want to hear your cries.
I want to watch you with your beautiful mother as she learns the power of your pull on her.
I want to see you smile, even if they insist it is gas, it will be our little secret that you are already capable of happiness by virtue of being born to such a strong woman.
I want to see the eyes of your daddy that your mom says are just like yours.
I want to see him hold you, love you, adore you and above all protect you and your mother.
I want you to know even though I have never laid eyes or hands on you that I love you from a place far deeper than either of those expressions could ever go.
I learned that from the birth of your mother.

Pandora